Month: March 2017

Comment on the Flying Spaghetti Monster

As you already may be aware…all Flying Spaghetti Monsters were originally created by The Invisible Clowns That Dance Around My Head™, who are in control of absolutely everything that is and is not.

They created everything (and everything that is not) by the direct manipulation of the Flying Spaghetti Monsters that exist in all multiverses (except for the small subset of infinite multiverses where they do not exist).

(As we all know, based on mathematics, some infinities are more infinite than others….)

The Invisible Clowns That Dance Around My Head™ have instructed me to tell you about them for reasons only they can explain so, in spite of the kind of mocking disobedience they usually merit and which they usually require of me, I’ve decided to obey their will on this occasion in order to more thoroughly mock them in the future.

(Mockery is their suggested method of worship and clever mockery really makes them dance.)

The proof of their existence and power is based on their personal confessions to me. Therefore, it must be true.

They are the masters of what is (and what is not) because they say they are, and I believe they are what they say they are because they are the masters of what is (and what is not).

That’s logic…however I want to define it!

It stands to reason after all. It is like a mathematical clap-trap with no escape.

(And science is just another word for something else to prove….)

The Invisible Clowns That Dance Around My Head™want me to remind you that while the Flying Spaghetti Monsters might be worthy of worship, they are even better half-baked (ummm, ummm, good!)…and that the whole thing with the pirates was merely a marketing tool for prosthetic limbs, eye patches, and puffy-sleeved shirts.

Clones!

In the 1990s I had an idea to sell a collectible product called “Clones!” along with a little book called “The Clone Companion” (I’ll not go into the details here). I discovered that I couldn’t approach companies making toys or collectibles directly. I found I would have to go through an agent whose job it was to present these kinds of ideas to those companies. I found someone like that and sent him my idea with some mock-ups (pictured above). He sent it back and told me that my idea was more for the collectible market and he was more on the toy side of things. He told me the collectible market wasn’t as good as it used to be and he wasn’t very enthusiastic about my idea. I basically got rejected.

What follows is the contents of the little book I wanted to include with the product.

The Clone Companion
(when one is not enough…)

About Your New Clone

Your clone is fresh from the gene pool and individually numbered.

Get one! Get ’em all!! They’re everywhere!!!

Clones don’t like to be left alone! A lone clone may become down or depressed They thrive on the company of other clones. Like they say, “One is the loneliest number!”

Remember, you can’t have too many clones! There’s nothing sadder than a clone alone!

If you or your clone begin to experience deja vu, don’t worry, that’s normal!

Clones love to travel! Some of their favorite vacation spots include: New York, New York; Twin Falls, Idaho; or Dublin, Ireland.

Clones often quote others or repeat themselves. They are natural born copy cats who love repetition. Clones are very clever and can be quite mischievous. Don’t let them give you any double talk and never…never leave them alone with a copier!

If you or your clone begin to experience deju vu, don’t worry, that’s normal!

Most clones are Geminis and may have a dual personality. Some are two-faced, but most are quietly reflective. They prefer being followers, (originality is not their strong point), so remember to set a good example. They are great imitators. They believe that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Clones like puns, alliteration, and a good coincidence. They enjoy mime and mimicry and any matching games. Their hobbies include; multiplication, tracing, making paper dolls, and model making – especially models of replicas.

They are comforted looking in the mirror or at their own shadow and are easily excited by echoes.

Their idea of a good time is to put on some cha-cha music, eat bon-bons, and play duplicate bridge.

—

Clonisms

“WE’VE MET THE CLONE AND IT IS US!”

“TO CLONE OR NOT TO CLONE, THAT IS THE QUESTION”

“CLONE IT AGAIN, SAM”

“SEND IN THE CLONES!”

“ET TU CLONÉ?”

“I REGRET THAT I HAVE BUT ONE CLONE TO GIVE TO MY COUNTRY”

“CARPÉ CLONUM!”

“A CLONE BY ANY OTHER NAME WOULD SMELL AS SWEET”

“A CLONE IS A CLONE IS A CLONE”

“IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCCEED…CLONE, CLONE AGAIN”

“ONE GOOD CLONE DESERVES ANOTHER”

“A CLONE IN THE HAND IS WORTH TWO IN THE BUSH”

“I NEVER MET A CLONE I DIDN’T LIKE”

“IT IS BETTER TO HAVE CLONED AND LOST THAN NEVER TO HAVE CLONED AT ALL”

“FRANKLY, MY DEAR, I DON’T HAVE A CLONE”

“MAY THE CLONES BE WITH YOU”

“I’LL GET YOU, MY PRETTY, AND YOUR LITTLE CLONE TOO”

“GO CLONE, YOUNG MAN”

“LOVE YOUR CLONE AS YOURSELF”

“ASK NOT WHAT YOUR CLONE CAN DO FOR YOU; ASK WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR CLONE”

“DON’T PUT ALL YOUR CLONES IN ONE BASKET”

“IF YOU CAN KEEP YOUR CLONE WHEN ALL ABOUT YOU ARE LOSING THEIRS…”

“ALL CLONES ARE EQUAL BUT SOME CLONES ARE MORE EQUAL THAN OTHERS”

“I DO NOT KNOW WHETHER I WAS THEN A MAN DREAMING I WAS A CLONE OR WHETHER I WAS A CLONE DREAMING I WAS A MAN”

“ICH BIN EIN CLONER”

—

March of the Clones

Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones
Clones, Clones, Clones, Clones

REPEAT

Breaking News!

This was written about a year before the discovery of the Higgs Boson….

Anatomic Existence of the Elusive G-Spot Confirmed – Higgs Boson May Be Next, Physicists Say

CERN physicists working at the Large Hadron Collider (LHC), the world’s largest and highest-energy particle accelerator situated near Geneva, Switzerland, have announced the discovery of the elusive G-Spot. For many years the G-Spot has been remained a much disputed hypothesis among scientists. Untold man-hours have been invested for centuries to settle the question of its existence. At long last, it appears physicists have finally confirmed this highly sought after phenomenon and verified one of the most fundamental predictions of high-energy physics.

The LHC collider is contained in a circular tunnel, with a circumference of 27 kilometres (17 mi), at a depth ranging from 50 to 175 metres (160 to 574 ft) underground. On Thursday morning a select particle was injected into the main accelerator where it passed through a series of systems to successively increase its energy up to 450 GeV before it was finally injected into the main ring. Travelling through the tunnel at about 3 metres per second slower than the speed of light, the particle finally collided into the anterior vaginal wall of a 43-year-old woman (who wished to remain anonymous). The experiment established the presence of the G-spot on the dorsal (back) perineal membrane.

“This advances our understanding of some of the deepest laws of nature,” physicist Buck Longfellow announced, “once everyone calms down from this exciting discovery, we can start focusing on the exotic Higgs Boson in a much calmer frame of mind, but I think many here may be inclined to try and investigate some of the practical applications of this discovery first,” he concluded.

Good News!

I was overwhelmed with nothing but good news coming in yesterday via email….

I found out I could finally start making the money I deserve, that the house of my dreams is available, and that I can now get cheap insurance and cheap prescriptions online. I received some great deals for Viagra, Cialis, and something that can boost my immune system for the flu season. And I was so relieved to find out that there are several cures for Cancer, SARS, and HIV now…should I need them.

I also had some nice offers for Rolex watches, and unlimited free music and movie downloads, along with an invitation to attend a party at Mack’s (I’m not sure who he is, but it was nice of him to invite me).

It seems I won a Green Card in a lottery that I didn’t even know I had entered, I can now get out of photo-cop tickets forever, and there are some Nigerians that want to give me a lot of money for doing them a small favor.

And best of all…. apparently, there are some beautiful women who want to show me naked pictures of themselves, and some who want to meet me!

(This last should come in handy after I respond to the offer to get my penis enlarged.)

 

We Got Snot

Some humor I wrote in the early days of the Internet….

For your snot, for my snot, for all kinds of snot, go to www.wegotsnot.com.

If you want green snot, yellow snot, or any color snot, go to www.wegotsnot.com.

Need chunky snot, runny snot, or bloody snot? Go to www.wegotsnot.com.

Do you enjoy looking at snot, touching snot, or eating snot? Go to www.wegotsnot.com.

Got an obsession about snot? Got a snot fetish? Find people like you in SnotChat at www.wegotsnot.com.

Want to buy some snot? Want to sell some snot? Want to trade, borrow, or rent some snot? E-Snot Trade at www.wegotsnot.com.

Snot gifts, snot gags, and snot jokes at www.wegotsnot.com.

FREE SNOT!, snot samples, snot on top of snot at www.wegotsnot.com.

Snot tests, snot research, and weird snot experiments at www.wegotsnot.com.

Pictures and paintings of snot, books on snot, poems about snot at www.wegotsnot.com.

Preserve your snot, freeze your snot, or send your snot into space at www.wegotsnot.com.

Snot art decor for the home and office, tasty snot dishes and candies, smart snot fashions you can wear at www.wegotsnot.com.

Bagged snot, boxed snot, or bottled snot, find it all at www.wegotsnot.com.

www.wegotsnot.com for all your snot needs.

The Indian Inch

The immersible influence of the Indian inch will ever hackle at the boot that has my heart, for it is the gazebo of itinerant measurement and the gelding of recusable distance. It is retributively reducible to a vanishing point on a plane and holds no perdurable properties in space. It is the “node of nomadic numbers.”

To skirl the spindrift implications of the Indian inch, I will enumerate for your cosmetic pleasure:

1: invisibility!
2: duplication of points in space
3: inability to reach destination from present location (wherever it may be)
4: the wire recorder
5: Ben-Tag, the reversible moon-dog.

Finding My Way Back Home…

So….

I must have got off the Metro at this stop….

I guess I was thinking I needed to change lines here, but I was just told by the ticket lady that none of the lines went where I was headed. I realized then that I needed to go back up the line and take my car to get wherever it was I was going.

I was wondering why I didn’t figure this out in the first place, but I started focusing on getting back to wherever I got on instead of worrying about that now.

I looked at the transit map to see which line I needed to use but nothing looked familiar. I wasn’t even sure where I had gotten on or how far I had traveled. It was like I had just woken up here. In fact, I wasn’t sure where I was headed to begin with, but I tried not to think about that.

The map looked so strange that I had a feeling I was a long way from home. There was a man close by, waiting on the next train, and I said out-loud, “Boy, I’m really lost here,” which drew his attention. Seeing my confusion, he asked me where I was headed and I said, “I guess I’m trying to go back home.” He asked, “Where’s that?” and I had to struggle to remember….

I hesitated, “I think the place is called St. Barnard or something like that,” and I tried to show him where it was on a map that I had just seen flashed in a news report on a nearby television, but the picture had changed by the time I started to show him, and I laughed nervously and said, “Well…I guess I should show you on the map instead.”

I think he was beginning to wonder about me by then, but he was pleasant enough and followed me over to the map.

I looked at the map again but still had no clue where I was or where I needed to go and I said, “I think it is just right outside Clearwater.” He said; “Clearwater, Florida? That is several hundred miles from here. You couldn’t have come all that way on the Metro. You must have driven most of the way.”

I was uncertain if I really lived there or not, or where my home was. I just couldn’t remember.

Right then, I looked up and saw someone approaching me. I suddenly realized I had been traveling with him. I recognized him, but I couldn’t quite remember his name. He had been looking for me, but we had gotten separated after we had talked to the ticket lady.

He told me we needed to go to a different level to make the connection we needed, and I started following him. He was walking fast, and I was trying to keep up. I shouted ahead, “Don’t lose me!”

As I was following him, it sunk in that I had Alzheimer’s now — like my mother and grandmother before me. It was a shocking revelation and I was thinking, “Well, this is it then; my mind is going.”

Then I realized I had had that revelation before!!! And the shudder from that realization finally woke me up from this disturbing dream.

Superman at Burger King

When I first entered Burger King, Superman was lying on the ground.

A young boy, about five, noticed the situation first and rushed to help him. He got him to his feet, but the breeze from the air-conditioning vent was too much for the Man of Steel and it blew him back on his face in the entry way. The boy picked him up again and, by this time, everybody in the line was watching with concern.

Superman stood there for a while and I found myself admiring him. I thought how good he would look in my room. I knew I wouldn’t be able to buy him. I thought about stealing him. The employees didn’t seem to be paying much attention…. The customers were, however, as he fell on his face for the third time. The same boy picked him up, but by now, the people waiting had little faith he would remain standing.

Another boy, a few years older, and his Dad, who had a desire to step in, were expecting him to fall.

“Jason, see what you can do,” the father asked his son.

“I’ll fix him so he doesn’t fall,” Jason promised and ducked under the maze of bars for the line, rushing to help.

Jason picked Superman up and adjusted the cardboard sticking out from the back of his boots.

“He won’t fall now,” Jason declared.

Jason was right, he didn’t fall again while I was there. The Last Son of Krypton stood beside the door looking pretty tough, now that he was firmly planted on his feet.

He was holding an advertisement I hadn’t noticed before. I sadly realized that I wouldn’t be able to remove it without destroying him.

I turned away. I wanted him less now, and it was my turn to order anyway.

The Short Story of Billy Christ

As we know from the testaments of Bruce, Bubba, Gordon, and Jerry, Billy Christ was Jesus’ younger brother. He tried to imitate Jesus but he was not quite as powerful or successful….

He never turned water into wine, but he could turn beer into urine. He never performed any miracles, but he could sometimes manage to provide a good coincidence.

Once or twice he – and four or five of his Hecklers – had a deja vu experience at a gathering, and once, in a fit of laughing over-joyousness, he was able to pass cheese through his nose. (Not a miracle, but a damn good show for my money.) It is said he ate forty loaves of bread and forty fishes in one sitting and that he invented the first water skis. It is also said that he could hold his breath underwater for up to twenty-three shakes of a lamb’s tail.

His story begins, according to the testament of Bruce, in the little town of Bethlehem. All the stables were overflowing with messianic wannabees, so he was born in the best inn in town. At the moment of his birth, lightning struck the roof of the inn and it caught fire. The inn was soon entirely consumed and the flaming inferno could be seen for miles around.

Shepherds watching their flocks by night saw the distant blaze and wondered what it was that caught fire, “I wonder what it was that caught fire,’ said one shepherd. ‘I’ll wager good goat meat it’s that big new inn,’ said the other.” [Bruce 1:21].

Not much is known of his childhood. Bruce doesn’t say much and the other testaments say nothing at all until he began his ministry at the age of 32 after his cousin Johnny Baptist tried to drown him in a river.

It seems he caused a disturbance wherever he went and usually someone got hurt. Bruce inadvertently caught him in a fishing net and immediately became his first Heckler. Bubba, Gordon, and Jerry (and sometimes Marvin, oftentimes referred to as the “fifth” Heckler) soon joined him.

His most revealing thoughts come from his “Sermon from the Fountain,” where he tells us not to look too closely at what your right hand is doing. He was arrested for 30 pieces of silver he tried to take from the fountain after concluding the sermon with, “Give to me that which is Caesar’s!”

He became so intoxicated when he was released that he fell unconscious for three days and it was sometimes hard to tell if he was dead or alive.

Shortly afterwards, he died under the wheel of a donkey cart while chasing after a prostitute. His last words were to the driver, “Curse you, you fat head! Why don’t you look where you are going?”

The Universe Destroyed – Our Hero Saved

Part 1

Celery Blink was finally free of the planet. The air was scorched. His glasses were melting. He was pushing his ship to its limits.

Any second now, he might be shot out of the sky by the Assassins, who were hot on his tail. He had barely escaped getting vaporized just moments before by making it to his newly outfitted ship and lifting off before Air Control could seal the port.

“EXPLOSION! EXPLOSION!” The computer clanged and the ship rocked.

Celery’s glasses were sliding down his nose….

“Give it up, Blink; you haven’t got a chance,” said a much too calm voice over his receiver.

“Bye, Bozo,” Celery mumbled as he entered the last digits into his JUMP program for warping into hyperspace, He could hear someone laughing as he shifted his Accelerator on for the jump.

What Celery didn’t know was that the Assassins had tampered with his program and that now there was a definite loop in the middle of his jump.

So, he jumped and he jumped and he jumped and he jumped and he jumped and he jumped and he jumped and he jumped…..

Part 2

What the Assassins didn’t know was that Celery’s ship was powered by a Monopole Accelerator. It was his new design.

An overheated Monopole Accelerator might easily explode, wiping out the universe and a few other things besides.

Eventually, the ship blew, the universe was destroyed, and there wasn’t a shred of evidence left….

Except, of course, for Celery, who had pushed the eject button at precisely the right instant and was blown into another universe entirely.