Iowa’s Attempt To Step Into The 21st Century Fails Dramatically

Trump Wins Democratic Caucus – Pete Buttigieg Declares Victory

In an attempt to bring its quaint and venerable caucus system into the 21st Century by using newfangled “smartphones” (a “mobile phone” that performs many of the functions of a “computer”) with “apps” (modern lingo for “applications”) designed to report results, The Iowa Democratic Party ran into a snag last night with the “app” and had to resort to its backup system involving paper.

Iowa Democratic Party Chair Troy Price told reporters, “It’s just going to take a little more time than we hoped to report the results. Stagecoaches are continuing to arrive from all across the state, and we think we’ll be able to give you at least 50% of results by 5:00 today.” “We wanted to get at least some results out there,” he said. Asked when he anticipated the final results to be reported he said, “Local party officials are doing their best to get their information to us.  I think we can promise a full accounting by Spring when the snow melts sufficiently for the roads to clear in the more mountainous regions of the state.”

Dr. Snidely Nefarious Whiplash–executive director for the DC-based tech start-up SHADOW who designed the “app”–could not be reached for comment.    

Meanwhile Democratic candidate Pete Buttigieg–not content to wait for the final results–declared himself the winner. “Whoever defeats Donald Trump will have to be able to create their own reality as well as he does. I’m hoping to show I’m the best candidate to do that,” he said.

Insiders say that the real winner of the Democratic caucus in Iowa last night was Donald Trump.